Dear Blog readers.
Thank you so much for all your cards, packages, emails, facebook messages and
love and support these last few months.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted and when I have it has
been about trivial things. Please forgive me. I often think, I should post. But
posting means writing something and writing something means siting down and
thinking and thinking tends to make me cry. For the first few months after
Elijah passed all I wanted to do was cry. Isaac and I learned that if we kept
it in and waited to cry then it would come in a mighty wave instead of a flowing
faucet. So we cried whenever we felt we needed to. I remember the day when we
hadn’t cried in two days. I remember thinking that coping was getting easier.
Now just two days short of five months since he was born I’m still sad. Elijah
was such a part of our lives, an active boy from just 12 weeks along that he
was a regular part of our conversations. He would interrupt us with a kick or a
wiggle. It’s not that we think of him less now but now he’s not actively involved
in our lives. He has changed our lives, and continues to as we move through
this phase of “getting used to what we didn’t expect”.
Life tends to happen that way, sending us something that we
didn’t ask for and something we feel we are unprepared for. I guess that’s God’s
way of showing us how strong, not only he is but how strong we can be with him.
The first year I lived in Africa I felt that God was teaching
me that I could do big things. Now I’m realizing that I, (with the help of the
Holy Spirit, Isaac and many others) can manage through big things. Not only can
I start and accomplish big things but I can take those big things that come,
uninvited or not.
I remember my parents having to say good bye to me at
university and having to “let me go”. I feel that every parent has at some
point in a child’s life to “let them go”. For Isaac and I our “letting go” was
earlier than we expected. We never thought that the day before he was born we
would have to let him go.
Someone told me that a large percentage (I don’t remember)
of couples lose child end up losing their marriage as well. For Isaac and me,
we don’t understand the statistic. We have been each other’s strong towers, a
place of refuge, a shoulder to cry on, and a person to point each other in the
right direction when we get too discouraged to pray. This experience is one we
are taking together, no blame, no shame, just love for one another and united
love for our boy, our first child Elijah Mubezi.
I guess I have a hard time blogging because it is a place
that I can put down my thought and right now my thoughts are with my son.
Thank you for continuing to think of us, read our story,
pray for us, and support us. We still need cheerleaders to encourage us during
this season of our lives.
Blessings,
Rachel
One thing lead to another, story to relay races, relay races to acrobatic acts, this lead to a full blown dance party. I brought out our small drum and the children showed me that they certainly knew how to beat it. They danced and sang to the point that neighbors were gathering to watch.
We drive down the street and I couldn't have missed it. Children are sitting on the raised porch. They are a all lined up in their wheelchairs. They are so excited to see their good friend, the woman who brought me. We begin greeting child after child. It is easy to notice that many have CP. Their arms and legs are bent and their muscles are working against them. I have worked with people with CP many times and so I know that the brain over muscle control is strong and these children can't help their spastic movements. I offer my hand and wait. Some are eager for the challenge to get their muscles to cooperate for the connection of hands which will suffice for a handshake. Others this challenge is far too great and I quickly grab their hand and shake it for them. I ask their names and some who can speak feed me the information. I greet each by name. There faces beam up at me. They are so happy to meet me. With the exception of one, the woman who brought me says that she's always grumpy :)
From the entry way comes bouncing two children. They are so excited to see my friend. Peter, can't contain himself. His little legs, not developed for lack of walking pressure, jet in and out behind him propelling him along. His arms, with clenched fists, are on the ground holding his small body up. He has mastered the art of crawling even with the extreme difficulty his muscles give him. He cannot contain his joy and burst of joy come spilling out of his mouth in screams and yells. I am happy to be here with him.
While on the tour I see how much the staff members care for these children. They know them by name and seem to be working on a different skill with each child. Children are taken for physical therapy. The supplies aren't many but you can tell they are used and the children's muscles are stretched to keep them functioning. There are multiple small bedrooms and the children have a bed of their very own to sleep in with a staff member in the room. At night a staff member is in charge of only 4-8 children at a time. This is such a great day for me to see such great things happening for children.
While feeding a woman entered the room, this was the director but also the mother of this boy. The boy (not pictured) was so happy to see his mother that he started humming. She had such love and care for her son. She had taken what seemed, the the world around her, a bad situation of having a child with disabilities and had reached out to other children who found themselves "left out in the cold". This woman's heart shined through. She really did care about those who Jesus showed such love for in the gospels.
My thoughts went directly to that phrase "the devil is a liar." This was the encouragement that Isaac and I received when we lost Elijah. We didn't understand it at the time but as the minutes and hours after his passing moved on the devil's lies seemed to creep into our thoughts. We were so vulnerable that if not careful his lies could have walked right into our souls. People around were so well meaning but things they said weren't true. Things like, just get over it. Don't cry he wasn't even alive when he was born. Things like, you'll get another one. The devil used those thoughts to creep as far as we would allow them. It was great to have Isaac around because we worked the guard shift for each other. When one of us would say something that wasn't right we would correct the other. Feeding ourselves truth instead of lies. We were believing truth, even though it hurt sometimes.
The funny thing about the devil is that he is predictable. I had only met this mother for 2 minutes while she was greeting her son and yet I knew what lie the devil would throw at her, "all your work was in vain, he died anyways." What a hurtful message. I've heard that one from him before. He uses it in so many situations, I was all prepared for something and it was canceled, I wrote an application or did a job interview and was rejected, I poured my heart and soul into something and people don't show up. Again and again I hear the deceiver's words come through, "all your word was for nothing". I'm glad I know that he is a liar and the work was not in vain.
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